Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - February 2009

01/02/09  ||  Global Domination

Napalm Death: Time waits for no slave

8/10

Lord K: Napalm Death shows the world how a penis is supposed to be stroked. 8

Kampfar: The very forefathers of grind still kicks all kinds of ass. Living legends. 9

Abyss: The Brummies have sounded really fucking persuasive on the last coupe of albums, making me grind, ‘bang and throw the horns all at once. This album is no exception and there’s something for everyone here; be it short sharp shrapnel or ultra-heavy death metal missiles. 8

Seker: Napalm Death’s new album is an interesting beast, bringing back the progressive spirit of their 90’s output while continuing the framework laid on their last few albums. Expect a lot of different-sounding riffs built on top of each other like a one of those weird Lego forts you used to build back in the day: breakdowns, thrash riffs, d-beat madness, odd melodic touches, and weird transparent orange blocks abound. On an unrelated note, Barney Greenway looks a lot like my old room-mate now that he’s cut his hair short. 7

Intestine Baalism: Ultimate instinct

6.75/10

Lord K: Who fucken knew some Jap’s would be able to create some decent melodic metal? 6

Kampfar: At their best, which is whenever they put an excellent solo over some fine ass riffing, this Japanese death combo is quite alright. The bits in between, however, are at times, and surely way too often, of the dreary kind. Put short, this album is an aardvark mix of blandness and inspiration dressed up in a rather lousy production. 5

Abyss: If I’m gonna recommend one band this month it has to be Intestine Baalism from Japan (I think). They play a style that’s very very 90’s down to the reverb on the instruments. There’s pretty much all styles of Scandinavian death metal to be heard here. Melodic Gothenburg stuff (At The Gates, early In Flames), bludgeoning Stockholm-riffmania and some traces of the Norwegian churchburners here and there. Over all this is really really fucking good stuff. 8

Seker: Intestine Baalism’s first album since the late Devonian extinction attempts to synthesize the brutality of their first album and the melodies of their second while adding in a few new riff styles. It’s fairly emotionally complex for death metal, running through a lot of different moods in a manner that brings to mind early Enslaved in intent, rather than actual execution. If you’re interested in finding death metal of recent vintage that compares favourably to old classics like “An Evil Shade of Grey” and “Pierced from Within”, give this album a whirl. 8

Seance: Awakening of the gods

6.75/10

Lord K: This is ofcourse not another “Saltrubbed eyes”, but it’s a much better effort than one could expect after that masterpiece. 7

Kampfar: This is not “Saltrubbed eyes”, not a classic in other words, but when comparing “Awakening of the gods” to 90% of all metal albums ever released, I spent my weekend doing that, you’ll realize it is indeed a fine album. However, I’m not so sure about the production, this must be what the know-it-all’s are on about when speaking of compressed beyond fuck. Mustn’t it? Still, here is lots of energy and pure dedication, so I salute them here Swedes nonetheless. 7

Abyss: Lord K digs the shit out of “Saltrubbed eyes” so he’s gonna say that this is nowhere as good as that album. Me, who never really cared about him hyping that album. are just gonna settle for Seance sounding really fucking cool and confident on “Awakening of the gods”, especially considering main songwriter Patrik Jensen not being onboard any more. If Seance could perform these songs live with half the cock n balls they display on the album they’d be a killer band on any stage. 7

Seker: I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t some damn decent death metal, but Seance fail to capture the magic of their older releases. Check this out if you’re looking for some interesting groovy death metal, but get “Saltrubbed Eyes” first. 6

Vreid: Milorg

6.5/10

Lord K: Some nice At The Gates guitar harmonies together with a crappy production ends up being a “meh, was that all?” experience eventually. 6

Kampfar: Vreid doesn’t translate to wrath, contrariness is the word, so it comes as no surprise that the dudes from Sogndal – 3 out of 4 used to play in Windir – landed on “Milorg” when naming their latest. How come? Well, simply because Milorg was what the (main) Norwegian resistance army, one fighting ze Germans during WWII, called themselves. Fuck history, what you need to know is that if you fancy the idea of progressive black/thrash where the p in progressive doesn’t stand for pretentious, there is a fat chance you’ll enjoy this one. 7

Abyss: I never listened to Windir so there for I never noticed that the members started Vreid after Valfar died. I’m starting think I missed something. “Milorg” has that strange subtle power that really good black metal have over your senses. There’s a melancholic feeling in the music that I really like. If I said Vreid are emotional black metal, would you hold it against me? 7

Seker: This band was formed by members of Windir? I mean, it’s not bad or anything, but this stuff seems really confrontational and rock’n’roll-ish when you put it next to “Arntor”. There are some little Windir-ish moments (acoustic guitars, melancholic melodies, clean singing), but overall this is a beast of a different color. 6

Guillotine: Blood money

6.25/10

Lord K: Kreator called, they don’t want their sound back. 5

Kampfar: Guillotine, I love your energy and dedication, so even though there isn’t one second worth of original material to be found on “Blood money”, every single riff old in the mid 80’s already, I’d still like to hand out a high score to you lot. Put simple, if German thrash as in Kreator and Destruction is what inspires you to go on with your miserable life, give “Blood money” a go. Simple as that. 7

Abyss: Sure, Guillotine is a complete Kreator/Sodom rip-off but when many people have started to doubt the quality of Mille and Angelripper’s latest outings it’s nice to have a fall-back plan. Personally I love “Blood money” and think that the songs, original or not, kick fucking ass and deserve every last listener it gets. 8

Seker: Hey look, it’s the new Kreator! Oh wait, it’s just some other band that no one cares about. Picture some power metal guys trying to make a thrash album, and you’ve pretty much got this album, since that’s what it is. It’s all right I guess, but I’d rather just listen to Kreator. 5

Doro: Fear no evil

5.25/10

Lord K: A 400 year old German skank playing heavy metal is not completely my thing. 4

Kampfar: I haven’t had a hard-on for heavy metal in ages, not even a semi, and though Doro is quite hot, she and her music does little to change just that. Little, because even though “Fear no evil” is one of the least cheesy heavy metal albums you’ll hear this year, quite good actually, it remains a fact that this genre is close to exclusively inhabitated by unmanly men in leather pants showing off something they haven’t got. Namely balls. I’d never take any of them along for a stint at the front, that’s for sure. Doro is indeed a heavy metal queen, but her minions stays an inferior breed. 7

Abyss: Wow, is old mama Doro still alive and active?? I’ve never really paid much attention to her; I’ve heard “Für immer” of course, but other then that, my experience has been limited to seeing her on countless German festival-posters. Listening to “Fear no evil” it sounds like Bonnie Tyler backed by Europe, but it’s not as shite as you’d expect. But then again, it’s not like I’ll bother playing this ever again. 3

Seker: Doro Pesch has a great voice, and the hard-rocking classic metal that backs it up is pretty okey-dokey. If you liked the new Saxon or the new Holy Moses or anything like that, you’ll probably be into this. 7

Sepultura: A-lex

5/10

Lord K: “Beneath the remains” is a fantastic album at least. 5

Kampfar: Sepultura is not a spent force, not even close, so feel free to piss me in the face. I have namely assumed so for something like 10 years now. Derek for president! 8

Abyss: Sepultura definitely found something they liked on “Dante” and the concept-thinking has stayed with them on “A-lex”, dealing this time with “A clockwork orange” in all it’s glory. The ambitions and half of the music ain’t bad, but Derrek Greene is still the weak link. his voice didn’t cut it when he was just a screamer and it definitely doesn’t work when he has to do more styles then one. 5

Seker: Anyone that tells you this is good has a dick in not just one, but both of their ears. That’s two dicks, and that’s two dicks in two orifices that they shouldn’t be in too many. Sepultura haven’t released anything worth listening to since “Arise”, and this faux-thrash crapsterpiece does nothing to change that fact. Brazilian “Death Magnetic” ahoy! 2

Sylosis: Conclusion of an age

4.5/10

Lord K: Another completely identity less act that pays exactly what a million other bands are doing at the moment; pointless but catchy, well-executed half metal with Pro-Tools all over the place. (for your information, this was the longest comment in this AA from me. On purpose. Fuck you. On purpose). 6

Kampfar: It isn’t the most exciting thing since torture this, at times downright shitty, but when they aren’t emo and rather concentrate on spurting out thrash-y riffs they aren’t bad at all. Seriously, there is some real fucking energy at display here and the excellent production conveys it very well. Well done, lads, your music is about 60 times better than your moniker. 6

Abyss: I don’t know about you but when Nuclear Blast (also responsible for Sirenia, mind you) describe Sylosis as “a forward thinking UK thrash metal band” I get real fucking scary. Thrash has obviously been the new black for a couple of years, as seen be Earache’s roster, and it’s clear NB are hoping some dumb fucks will buy that Sylosis is thrash. Which they are not. I think they have more in common with Sonic Syndicate or Trivium. I.e. soulless, by-the-numbers metal with clean autotune-vocals, lots of melodies and randomly assigned HEAVY! riffs. 3

Seker: Once again, you missed the metalcore bandwagon by about two years. You’d better retool your sound with either a) pig vocals and breakdowns or b) suicidal black metal bullshit if you want to be cool. How the fuck do you fuck up being a trendy poser? 3

Extreme Noise Terror: Law of retaliation

4.5/10

Lord K: Exactly the kind of bullshit death/grind I do my best to stay far fucken away from. 3

Kampfar: I fucking love extreme noise terror but Extreme Noise Terror I don’t. I like them, yes sir, but if this band had been a lady I’d date her until she let me ejaculate over her face, not until she asked me to inseminate and marry her. “Law of retaliation” changes none of that. Mental illness aside, this platter is a let-down, sort of anaemic, really, and I put most of the blame on the production and its fuck-balance attitude. The guitar(s) sound(s) really rather tame and turns into a blur when speed is added to the equation; the drums, and especially the snare, not to be heard when they kick into top gear. And they do that quite often. Couple all this with a serious vocal issue, as in them barks mixed incredibly loud, and what you get is an album I don’t like very much. 5

Abyss: One of the more seasoned grindcore bands and if it weren’t for the other white meat (also known as Napalm Death) wiping the floor with this months AA I’d definitely spend more time with ENT. 6

Seker: The world’s whiniest grindcore band returns with a slab of stuff that sounds like older Napalm Death only not good at all. Buy an S.O.D. album instead just to piss them off. 4

Taake: Taake

4.5/10

Lord K: I’ll taake another listen to my Dark Funeral collection, thank you. 3

Kampfar: If you are after quality black metal, check out any of their other albums instead. 5

Abyss: I think Taake are most famous for sporting a Nazi swastika as a “funny gimmick” on a gig and the singer dangling his package for the world to see on some photos. Apparently they also play black metal. Quality: So-so. Ambition: Not clear. Originality: Zero. Verdict: fuck if I know. It’s just background noise to me man. 4

Seker: When you have to listen to a bunch of shitty bands straight in a row, even Norsecore can end up sounding like fucking Burzum. Taake may be a bit generic at times, but they know how to write good fast melodic black metal without any bullshit, so that instantly elevates them above half the bands in this AA. 6

Destroy Destroy Destroy: Battle sluts

3.25/10

Lord K: The moniker says it all, as if that joke hasn’t been used before. 3

Kampfar: No, no, no, power metal with harsh vocals is still power metal. “Battle sluts” isn’t shitty bad per se, tolerable even, but tolerable won’t do, so be damn sure I’ll delete and forget all about this platter very soon. Soon as in now. Bye. 5

Abyss: This is the kind of “extreme metal” Kerrang! goes apeshit over. It’s like Turisas or Korpiklaani without the obvious bullshit oompa-oompa melodies. Meaning it’s not interesting, but at least it’s not 100% annoying. No wait, it is. Music for idiots. 2

Seker: Fuck off fuck off fuck off you hipster hipster hipster douche bags douche bags douche bags. 3

Chris Caffery: House of insanity

3/10

Lord K: Not in a fucken million years, you power metal idiot. 2

Kampfar: “House of incredibly dull power metal” is one of the most unnecessary and bland albums ever released. However, much thanks to the non-existent production values and unbelievably horrid vocals it avoids mediocrity by a thousand miles and safely cements itself as absolutely worthless. I’m not so sure Germans should be allowed making “music” anymore. 1

Abyss: I know this guy used to be in a band. Can’t remember which, and he’s not good enough for me to bother looking up. And I’m fairly convinced that he wasn’t the lead vocalist in said band. This is like the kind of metal King Diamond and Savatage dabble in, only without the obvious qualities of said bands. Quite forgettable to be honest. 3

Seker: Hey, remember when Savatage were good? I sure as hell don’t, because they released their last good album the year before I was born. This dude is in Savatage, and for what it’s worth, I’d rather listen to this than “Dead Winter Dead”. It’s melodic heavy metal with some pretty decent riffs and pretty terrible vocals. 6

Sirenia: The 13th floor

2.25/10

Lord K: I should really like this but even I got some limits. 3

Kampfar: Sirenia is a goth-pop orchestra with a genuine whore on vocals, one that can’t sing for shit, so since the skank in question does like 90% of the vocals I arrogantly ski-jump to the conclusion that her cocksucking skills is what landed her the job. It’s laughable, really, how she goes on and on about her immensely broken soul and hurt emotions, all the time it sounds as if she reads aloud – no emotions attached, flat tone and all – the craptasticly turgid lyrics at hand. This ain’t fucking singing, bitch. As far as goth-pop goes, this lots first offering was quite ok. This platter, however, is catastrophically bad emo bullcrap only those who think of depression as something cool and trendy could possibly enjoy. I hate women. And men. Am I evil? 2

Abyss: Fuck no. No no no. If I want metal in the Eurovision Song Contest I’ll just stab Charlotte Perelli with a dagger. And if I want the ESC in metal I’ll listen to Sirenia. 1

Seker: Why yes, Evanescence manages to be even worse when sung in a foreign accent! Fuck me, this shit is not remotely metal, no matter what anyone tells you. 3

Stuck Mojo: The great revival

2.25/10

Lord K: My ass is a better revival. 1

Kampfar: Stuck Dildo performs rap metal. I don’t like rap metal, never will, but unfortunately it can not be denied that this lot possess talent and quality a plenty. The music is cheesier than a dairy, and I really hate the lyrics, but whatever they come up with, be it country something or plain ole’ metal, they do nail it pretty damn well. Only a shame this album consists of something like 3% metal then. A waste of talent. 3

Abyss: Ok, anyone who thought rap-metal would still be a viable genre in the 00’s? No one? Thought so. So how come Stuck Mojo are still going? Is there anyone who actually listens to this? To be fair, it’s not worse then metalcore. Just awful on a different level. 2

Seker: This is probably the best rap-metal album ever, but it’s still rap-metal, so it sucks. 3